Tammy Spees Testimony

Grief and loss. Two words that to some are just words, but for others, those same two words can trigger memories and feelings untold.

Praise God, I grew up in a Christian home, knew the Lord personally and always put Him first in my life. However, I don’t think it was until 2003 that I truly knew what it meant to completely rely on Him and to understand the meaning of being “at the end of myself with no answers or resources.”

On March 13, 2003, my life changed forever. It would be changed forever in more ways than one. It was this particular Thursday that I suddenly became widowed at the young age of 35 with a daughter 15 years old, and a son just a month away from being 13.

I have always been the type of person that has it all together and can fix just about anything. This time, I couldn’t “fix it”. I could not fix it for my children. I couldn’t bring my in-laws son back, couldn’t bring a best friend back, and Lord knows, I couldn’t even help myself. Even though, during hardship so difficult that I thought I couldn’t make it, God was there. I remember calling out the name of Jesus when I was sitting beside my husbands still body in the emergency room. Grief and shock was so devastating that I could barely walk (literally) and yet, there was an inner peace that settled on me. I just said, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” over and over.

In the draining dismal days following, there were times that all I could get out of my mouth was, “Help me God! Please, just help me!” I remember lying in bed at night, looking up at the ceiling with tears flowing down my face like rain and simply saying “Help me!” And He did!

God carried me through the rough times. He directed me to every scripture in the bible about being widowed and every scripture about Him being our “very present help in time of trouble”. It was truly the Lord that brought me through the grief and hardships. He has restored my family, comforted me, been a ‘father to the fatherless’ and a ‘defender of widows’. Psalm 34:18, 19 became vividly real. "The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all." I could state scripture after scripture that took on a new meaning and comforted me when I needed it. I would not be the happy, confident, carefree woman I am today had it not been for the Lord.

Was it all easy? No way! Were there moments of intense anguish? You bet! There is a natural progression of grief and loss that we in these earthly bodies go through. It’s been an adventurous five years, but I can tell you from experience, that the Lord comforts, lifts, and holds us in the palm of His hand. It was the Lord and those two precious kids of mine that got me out of bed each morning. Each time I felt as if I couldn’t make it, I would fall to my knees and pour my heart out to God. I would get up off of those knees with a new found strength and peace. Just weeks after our loss, God spoke to me and said that I would always be cared for and that I should never worry about anything. He would provide and take care of me. He had my back!

He has provided, and each time I’m tempted to worry about something and take it into my hands, God quickly reminds me of those words He spoke into my spirit five years ago.

Yes, joy and laughter are present in our house once again and I have two kids that love life and love the Lord. I am a blessed woman of God!!

Tammy Spees
Friend and Colleague of Tom and Rose Fields